WTF is "Irregardless"

I hate when people say words that don't make sense, like "irregardless". What the hell does that mean? I know what irrespective means. I know what regardless means. I don't know what irregardless means. Probably because it is not a real word. I'm not even a grammar cop. I speak way too much slang for that, but at least the crazy ish I say makes sense to people with the slang decoder ring. No one knows what "irregardless" means, and I don't care if it is in the dictionary. "Ir" means without, and "regardless" means without regard. So when you say "irregardless" what you are really saying is "without without regard." WTF is that? People we can do better. Maybe. . . .

Facebook Inspiration. . . No Thanks.

Everybody loves facebook. Old people, young people, rich people, poor people, and me. It is a great way to keep up with your friends when you don't have the time or inclination to actually speak to them. A great way to get quick info without all the small talk.

I have a question though. What is up with the people who only post so called "inspirational" messages or quotes on fb? You know the girl I'm talking about, the one who thinks she is Gandhi, posting messages of peace and self reflection. Or the guy who thinks he is Confucius, posting messages with double meanings. I hate them both.

I don't get onto fb to be inspired. I get on there to see what is up with your life, play mafia wars, and do a quiz. I don't need your dime store inspirational messages. Don't tell me to smile. I smile when I want to smile. What I need is to know what you ate for lunch, and your views on Michael Jackson (great entertainer v. pedophile). I hate reading a profile, thinking I'm about to find out what you ate for lunch and then I realize you are telling me to stop and smell the roses. Bamboozled into reading an inspirational message. . . arrrgh! If I wanted to be smelling roses I wouldn't be on the Internet 10 hours a day. When I want to be inspired, I look at an old girlfriend's profile and thank holy heaven that I dodged that bullet like Neo in the Matrix. That is all the fb inspiration I need.

BTW if you are an ex-girlfriend on fb, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about those other ex-girlfriends on fb.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Racists

I am a huge Transformers fan and I liked the movie for what it was. . . mostly. In order to enjoy the movie, you kind of have to put all higher brain functions to the side. Once you do that you will enjoy this movie. The problem is I could not get past how racist two of the characters were.

In the movie there are twin robots named Skids and Mudflap. In a nutshell, they are minstrels. I never thought I would see a robot minstrel. They might as well have been wearing black face, as opposed to the actual bug eyes and gold teeth that the characters actually had. I will let that sink in. Skids had bug eyes and a gold tooth. Not to mention the fact that the twins mentioned that they were illeterate when asked to read. The twins spoke in ebonics and acted like idiots. Each scene with them in it became more and more uncomfortable for me. I am all for comic relief, but this was ridiculous. Everytime they were on screen, I was taken out of the movie experience and wondered WTF ws Michael Bay thinking. Again. . . the robots had bug eyes, gold teeth, spoke in ebonics, and were illeterate.

I kept asking myself, how the hell does Paramount allow something like this in such a high profile movie as Transformsers 2? No one at Paramount thought that shit was racist? Seriously Paramount. I could understand it if there was some reason for the characters acting that way, but I just don't see it. It is obvious that no black people were producers on the film or even work for Paramount. If they did one would have surely said something like "Hey guys, this movie is cool and all but WTF is up with those minstrel robots. That shit is not cool." It pisses me off that a franchise that I like so much, would allow this to happen.

The most dissapointing thing for me is that no one caught this before the movie came out. Not the Director, not the studio, and not the toy manufacturer. Just wait till Christmas when your 7 year old wants a racist ass tranformer with gold teeth. Don't let me see your kid with one, I might have to have a "talk" with you.

Random Thought

Ass FX. That is what I hear everytime I see a commercial for the new hearburn drug called Aciphex. Whoever named that drug gets the loser of the year award. I am not taking any drugs that make me think of explosions in my butt, or a light show in my bum. No thank you. I don't even want to know what the side effects are.

Who greenlit that name choice BTW? Probably the same person who thought it was cool to name his kid Dick Pole (an actual person. . . he is a pitching coach for the Reds) or Jack Goff.

Governor Lover

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head right now about the Governor of South Carolina, Gov. Mark Sanford. As a quick primer to the non-news watchers. Gov. Sanford, who was touted as a potential Republican candidate for President in 2012 went missing over the Fathers Day weekend. Rumors swelled regarding his whereabouts. First we heard he went to the woods for solitude to write. Then we heard that he went hiking through the Appalachian trials. Finally we find out he was in Buenos Aires boning his Argentinian mistress (one of the more scenic ways of cheating). The first thing I have to say about this is that for the sake of Republicans, I am glad he was not having an affair with any teenage boys. I don't know that the GOP can take too many more of those.

Now for my commentary. Cheating is wrong. . . but if you are going to do it, you can at least do it right. If you are a governor, how the hell do you not have a plan for managing this situation? He can't be a good governor if he can't even plan his indiscretions better than disappearing for several days. Lets put this into perspective. Dude has four kids and bounced to another country to bang his mistress during Father's Day weekend without leaving a cover story. Who does that? My man is in charge of the state and thinks to himself. . ."eff it, I'm out," and flies to Buenos Aires. The absurdity of this situation is magical.

Plus, if I am a governor of a state, I'm not coming to you. . . you are coming to me. Being one of only 50 governors in the country, I think Sanford's job was a little more important than whatever it is that his mistress does in Argentina. Seriously, what is his mistress doing that is so important that he has to leave his job and his kids during Father's Day weekend to come see her? He apparently didn't wear the beach pants in that relationship.

Oh yeah, and his poor aids who had to come up with those BS stories on the fly about him hiking in the woods and being incommunicado is so funny/sad. I imagine a room full of guys with great political ambitions sitting around with the following conversation. "WTF do we do? He just up and left without telling us what to do!" "We can't say he's in Buenos Aires boning his mistress, that is probably a bad idea." "I know! Lets say he is off writing in the woods somewhere to get away from all the noise at his home. He does have 4 kids you know." "Hey dumb ass, its Father's Day Weekend. How do you think that will play in the media? A dad going into the woods on Father's day to get away from his kids? You sir are an idiot." I could laugh about this for weeks.

Lastly, it is funny for me to watch all of these guys, that were so hell bent on impeaching Clinton for lying about Monica Lewinsky, get in trouble for infidelity. He was one of the many Republicans that voted to impeach Clinton, only to later reveal that he too is a cheater. Pot meet kettle. . . and then cheat on your wife with it.

I Love Jon & Kate

It has been a while since I have posted on the blog. Largely because I have been unable to keep up with current events due to being busy with work and an increased workout regimen from nothing to something. There are a lot of things going on these days. The election fallout in Iran; the economy; universal health care; blockbuster summer movies; the rise of Twitter; Supreme Court nomination of the first Latino; and my personal favorite Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

I am generally not a tabloid t.v. type of guy, but I love watching train wrecks and there is no bigger train wreck right now than JK+8. I am fascinated by watching the disintegration of a marriage. While sad, it is fascinating and cruelly funny. If loving JK+8 is wrong, I don't want to be right. Jon, seems like a regular guy who lacks confidence and is berated by Kate like he is child number 9. That is funny to watch. Apparently there is a point to where being embarrassed weekly by your wife on national t.v. becomes too much.

The emasculation of Jon finally took its toll this year. If you watch the show (and I do. . . now), they are rarely on screen at the same time and whenever one is at home the other is "away." Jon couldn't stand his wife so much that he decided not to be around to help Kate prepare for the kids birthday party. Then on Kate's birthday, he decided to go to Aspen for a skiing trip. That couldn't have been an accident. Watching this show is like having dinner with that couple that everyone knows is going to get a divorce. Its a little awkward, but when its over you laugh at them and thank God that it isn't you.

It is like watching the old t.v. show Married With Children, except with real people. Other people's misery is funny to me. Is that wrong?

Lost season finale: Where are the Brothers?

While I enjoyed the lost season finale and the entire season in general, I do have one problem with the show. Where are the black people on the island? How come there are no black people in the Dharma Initiative? It's supposed to be 1977. Are you trying to tell me that there are no black people that could be a part of the Dharma Initiative? The Seventies was big for black people. It was the heyday for blaxsploitation films were black people were arguably the coolest people in movies. Foxy Brown, Shaft, Dolemite, The Mack, Blacula. . . that stuff was sweet. With all those cool black people predominating pop culture, they couldn't put any brothers on the island.

I know why there aren't any brothers on the island. The heat and humidity of the island would do terrible things to the afros and perms that predominated the cool black hair styles of the seventies. A brother can't be seen with a bad fro. That stuff is unacceptable. Brothers do not want to mess up their hair. Plus most black people can't swim (stereotypical, but true), so spending a few years on a crazy experimental island probably isn't that high on the list of things to do.

Random Thought

Where the hell is Dave Chapelle? He was the funniest man alive for almost 3 years then he just disappeared. Dave is ghost like Patrick Swayze.

Random Thought

A drug called Flomax should not have a side effect of decreased semen.

Texts from last night.

Texts from last night is a website my homie sent to me a few days ago. It is the funniest thing I've seen on the net since that Youtube video with the kid asking "is this real life?" The premise of the site is simple. It is a collection of text messages sent either in a drunken stupor or during moments of poor decision making. Either way it is hilarious. Here is a link to the website. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

I will also give you a teaser of some of the texts that absolutely killed me (the number before the text is the area code of the phone owner).

(208): i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impulse buy.

(847): This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason

(678): did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
(404): did it work?
(678): nope

(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

(414): hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.

(214): I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute

(732): pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.

(859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

(973): haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??(630): savin' lives aint cheap

I hope you guys understand the gold I am giving you here.

NO NO NO NO!

It has been brought to my attention that the BRB (Big Random Blog) skews a little toward bitch fest. I can't help it, it is fun to do bad things. In an attempt to be less angry, I will address what I believe to be one of the coolest stories in the news right now.

In Florida there is a high school kid who has pitched 4 straight no hitters. A high school kid hasn't pitched 4 straight no nos since 1989. Although it is only high school, do you understand how amazing it is that this kid has not allowed a hit in 4 straight games. In that time he has struck out 60 batters! Ridiculous! This kid doesn't let anyone get to first base (as opposed to those 13 year old girls on the Oprah show).

Patrick Schuster is a senior who has committed to play baseball for Florida. My guess is that he never sees Freshman orientation. On the one hand, this is a shame because he will never know the feeling of being the man on campus (i.e. coeds). On the other hand, this time next year, he will be a millionaire. I'd take either one.

Coolest Nickname

The coolest nickname out there right now has to be "AK47" for Andre Kirilenko the professional basketball player who wears number 47 for the Utah Jazz and is also Russian. For people who know nothing about guns, the AK47 is a Russian machine gun. An apt name for a Russian basketball player who is arguably best know for his shooting skills.

I say arguably because some people may know of him because of his extremely hot wife who reports say is okay with him cheating on her. Wow.

Pirate Booty

A year ago when I heard the word pirate I used to think about college kids stealing music and movies off of the Internet. Now I think Somalians in speed boats jacking ships and freighters in the Indian Ocean. WTF. Somebody has seen one to many Captain Jack Sparrow movies. Some people actually think it is cool that the Somalis are jacking boats. Apparently they believe Somalis are so poor that jacking other peoples stuff is okay. It is not. If you had a car full of stuff and I had nothing and jacked you for it would that be okay. Probably not.

And what is it with the pirate's display of outrage because the US Navy blasted those pirates that kidnapped Captain Phillips? They kidnapped him and held him at gunpoint. That is get your ass shot by the Navy behavior if it ever existed. So now the pirates want to shoot at more American vessels. Okay, but be advised pirates, the U.S. is prideful and prone to overreact. If you keep this behavior up we will not only kick some pirate booty, but we'll probably bomb Somalia as well for not doing more to keep this stuff from happening.

So in the great debate of pirates v. ninjas, I choose ninjas.

The New Third Base

My wife made me watch Oprah today. Usually I would have found a way to leave the room, but I heard some stuff that amazed me. Middle school aged girls were describing what was first, second, and third base. Let me tell you what they said.

A kiss was being on deck. What?!? On deck? When the heck did we start having on deck? Back in my day we started out with first base. Next thing you know kissing is going to be batting practice. When I heard this I knew things were going to be bad.

So I know what you are thinking. What the heck is first base to these tiny boppers? Well apparently first base is making out. Yes that is right. First base is making out. Wow. If you have a daughter in middle school and she says she has only let a boy get to first base, you are probably in trouble.

Second base is what we who are over 25 have come to know as third base. That is right folks, second base is anything under the clothes. Anything. I am amazed at how sexually active these kids are. I think this is messed up, but I do sometimes lament that this wasn't going on back in my day. But as an adult I am totally shocked at what second base has become.

Third base was the most amazing thing I heard from Oprah's show. Third base is apparently oral. I thought that was an inside the park home run, not third base. Kids these days are so nonchalant with oral sex that it is scary. They are giving oral like handshakes. And these kids like to greet each other a lot. I guess it really is the steroid era.

At least home plate today is the same as it was for the over 25 crowd.

Final Four Reflections

With the Final Four quickly approaching I have started to reflect on final fours of years past. The first few final fours I ever watched are forever in my mind the golden age of college basketball. Nothing beats college basketball of the early 1990's. Particularly the tournament. I was only eleven or twelve years old back then. Just beginning to experience my first infection of March Madness. I became emotionally vested in teams I never heard of and rode an emotional roller coaster that has plagued my sports viewing experiences ever since.

Do you remember how cool it was when Michigan made the final four with 5 starting freshman who completely changed the look and feel of college basketball. Before the Fab Five, basketball players in the pros and college wore the infamous "nut hugger" shorts that are today relegated to the realm of the middle school gym teacher. No self respecting baller would be caught dead wearing a pair of John Stockton nut huggers today. The Fab Five wore the baggy shorts and the black socks pulled all the way up. They were a striking spectacle of style, rebellion, and youth. Many teams since have tried to emulate them, but none have succeeded. They were revolutionary. Because of them I still follow Michigan basketball today.

What about the Duke v. UK game with Laetner hitting the game winning shot over the Mashburn and the unforgettables. I have never been a really big UK fan, but always rooted for the state teams when in the tourney. I remember being so crushed when that shot went in that as soon as the game was over I walked out of the house and just walked the streets until I felt like I could cope. To this day I hate Duke and revel in every bit of misfortune that comes their way. Blue Devils. . . .Devils aren't even blue! I hate Laetner even more than I hate Duke. He was a douche bag. He stepped straight on a guys chest and rubbed it in there like the villain in a 1970's Kung Fu movie. The only thing he didn't have was the Fu Manchu moustache. Laetner should have been ejected and never had a chance to make that shot. Such a douche.

What about the infamous Chris Webber time out in the championship game verses UNC. That play was so bad Webber never played another college basketball game again. If he would have come back for his Junior season I think Michigan would have destroyed the competition and won a National title. But I guess that is what happens when a 19 year old sophomore is the leader of your team.

I guess part of what made the NCAA tournament so memorable back then was that the best players in the country went to college. Sure they only stayed for 2 or 3 years, but that is better than the no years of college that marked the mid 1990's through the mid 2000's and the one year of college that permeates todays college game. Would UK have even had a chance against Duke without a sophmore named Mashburn. If Webber, Rose, and Howard had went straight to the pros instead of joining the Fab Five would ballers still be wearing nut huggers? It was a special time for the college game. Once that I don't think will ever be duplicated, at least until players are forced to stay at least 2 years in college.

Think about this. How would March Madness have been with Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Amare Stoudamire, or Lebron James suited up in college gear? Would Kwame Brown have been such a disappointment or would he have developed into a stud. What would Memphis have looked like this year with Derrick Rose and Tyreke Evans in the back court? The truth is we will never know. Worse, the eleven and twelve year old kids who are just now getting infected with March Madness won't really get a chance to see all of the best players play each other in the big dance like I did. I'm still watching though. Go Villanova!

Quote of the week

My quote of the week is from 50 Cent talking about how much money he has.

"Have a baby by me baby, be a millionare, I'll write the check before the baby comes, who the f*#k cares"

That is one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. If you can't laugh at that then you have no sense of humor.

I Hate Snuggies!

Snuggies go by many names. The Slanket, the Freedom blanket, and of course the Snuggie. I hate them all. If you have a snuggie don't take this the wrong way but you kind of suck. If you don't have a snuggie but you want one, you too kind of suck. Children are excluded because they are not smart enough to know better.

I could make this into a conversation about the consumer society that we live in where you can create a totally useless product and people spend their hard earned recession money to get it. But I'd rather point out that people are idiots.

A snuggie is a backwards robe without the belt. You can try to argue that its not, but I went to college and I know what the hell a robe is, and I can tell when someone is wearing it backwards. And how lazy are you that you can't take your arm out of a blanket for the 15 seconds it takes to use the remote or take a sip of whatever your drink of choice is (probably wine). You suck for being that lazy. You don't want your arms to get cold? Then put on a sweatshirt or some other shirt with long sleeves. Buying a snuggie is a colossal waste of money.

I am amazed that seemingly intelligent people can want such a worthless product. I do have a solution though. Anyone who wants a snuggie, call me and I will buy it for you, but you must let me punch you in the face first. After I punch you in the face, you still won't get the snuggie. I'm sorry but I'm a fother mucker.

Douchebag of the Week

My Douche bag of the week is Glenn Beck. What the hell was he crying about on a semi-legitimate news show. There is a such thing as overreacting. The world still spins and the sun still shines. Hey Glenn Beck, stop being a douche bag!

OJ and Roman Polanski

Why is America so fascinated with OJ Simpson? People form an opinion about you based on whether or not you think OJ did it. What if you don't give damn (insert the F word or S word for more dramatic effect)? I personally don't really care all that much. 14 years ago when OJ killed those people. . . . I mean 14 years ago when the OJ trial was happening, I remember being a teenager and happy that he got off. But that was only because he was the only black person I ever saw in court not go to jail. Is that so wrong?

When I grew up a little bit I learned that famous people generally don't go to jail because the have money and fans. But after Marion Jones and Michael Vick went to jail I had to reassess that view (Watch your back Barry, they are coming for your steroid enhanced ass next). They both had excess money and fans and ended up in the pokey. I think this may be backlash from OJ getting off all those years ago. OJ messed up the free ride for famous black athletes in the justice system. Thanks OJ.

I must admit though, I am surprised that there hasn't been more backlash towards other groups of people. like say White movie directors.

Roman Polanski raped a teenager and jumped bail and no one seems to care. Actors in Hollywood today actively say the government should leave Roman Polanski alone and allow him to enter the country again. So he can get to the important task of making movies in a Hollywood studio again (don't invite him over Jack Nicholson, nothing good can happen). I have a sneaking suspicion that if Polanski's movies sucked no one would care if he went to jail. Too bad for OJ he couldn't carry the pigskin anymore when he did his dirt (allegedly).

Woody Allen married his daughter and he gets to make movie after movie with Scarlett Johansen. That ain't right. He sits court side at Knick games with his wife/daughter and people act like he isn't some deviant child molester. I guess its okay if you put a ring on it. When are we going to start holding movie directors accountable. White movie directors need to be held to the same standard as black athletes. I bet John singleton couldn't get away with that BS.

And don't get me started on the Kennedys. . . .

Introduction

This is the begining of The Big Random Blog, where you will get my random thoughts on random topics such as news, sports, and pop culture. You will read my unique opinion on essoteric subjects as well as subjects generally regarded as nerdy. This is where I get to say all the things I would say to my friends if I cared to use a telephone. . . . I don't.

There will be grammatical errors, misspellings, and poor syntax. Learn to love it. Or continue to hate it. I don't really care all that much. Just fair warning.

I know my limited attention span (and full time job as an attorney) will not allow me to blog everyday, and my assumption is that you probably don't care. That's just fine. Not caring is healthy. My wife says you can't trust people that care too much because it means they are probably up to something. I don't know if I agree with her 100%, but what I do know is that people who seem to care a lot are just plain weird. Not the good weird either.

Because I am feeling particularly random today, I will tell you what my next post will be about. My comparison of O.J. Simpson and Roman Polanski.